ARTICLE 1: Bros before hoes. I cannot stress this enough. Always remember, girlfriends come and go, but your boys are always there. Breaking this rule is to commit the cardinal sin against Team Testosterone.
ARTICLE 2: Never drink the last beer, unless you’ve been granted specific permission that it’s OK
ARTICLE 3: If a girl falls into the following criteria, she is off limits forever until the end of time: A. Was an ex-girlfriend B. Your friend specifically told you he wanted her C. Is your buddy’s sister (However, if it’s your buddy’s cousin, well she’s up for grabs, and you’re welcome to rub it in his face for years to come)
ARTICLE 4: Never diss a guy whose team just lost a crushing game. Just leave it alone, it’s kinder to pick on them for a dead relative
ARTICLE 5: You must never own a cat
ARTICLE 6: If you get 2 tickets to the big game/gig/event, the priority list for granting the second ticket is as follows: 1. Your best friends (in order of how long you’ve known them) 2. Your acquaintances 3. Your co-workers 4. The mailman 5. The UPS guy 6. NASA 7. John Kerry … 1,485,726. Your girlfriend
ARTICLE 7: You are allowed to enjoy exactly one chick TV show, and one chick flick. You may have no more. And if you like Grease, well, we’re already too late
ARTICLE 8: Birthday and Christmas presents for your guy friends are optional. Beer always makes a great gift
ARTICLE 9: If you go the bar with your buddies, you must buy a round of drinks at least once
ARTICLE 10: There are no mercy rules when playing someone in Madden, Hoops, Street Hockey, Bare-fisted boxing, etc.
ARTICLE 11: If you owe someone money, pay them back as soon as humanly possible—unless it’s a gambling debt, which must be paid immediately
ARTICLE 12: Standard shotgun rules are as follows: A. Shotgun may only be called within full sight of the car B. Shotgun must be called outside C. Shotgun calls last approximately ten minutes D. Shotgun never carries over to a second ride
ARTICLE 13: NO PDA (Public Displays of Affection), even if John Legend says they just don’t care. I mean, congratulations, another girl can stand the sight of you. You don’t need to wear her like a fucking trophy
ARTICLE 14: It’s alright to cheat at any game where money isn’t involved. In certain circumstances, relationships may be classified as “games”
ARTICLE 15: Don’t tell other guys elaborate stories about your weightlifting exercise routine. No one cares
ARTICLE 16: Never openly question another guy’s sports wisdom, unless said information specifically pertains to your favorite team.
ARTICLE 17: When out with the guys, never accept a call from your girlfriend—unless she’s dying or trapped under a burning fuel truck, and if that’s the case, make it quick
ARTICLE 18: Don’t tell other Bro’s elaborate stories about your weightlifting exercise routine. No one cares.
ARTICLE 19: Never share a bed with a guy, unless there’s no way around it
ARTICLE 20: Bros before Hoes. I know, I already used it. I can’t stress it enough, though. It is absolutely infuriating how many of my guy friends have become insufferable dicks since they’ve gone out with someone
ARTICLE 21: Bros will not be assumed to be exclusive unless each has explicitly granted the other exclusive Bro rights. If a Bro is not exclusive then a Bro may have more than one Bro. However, upon becoming exclusive, said Bro must break any Bro ties with all other Bros.
ARTICLE 22: Always allow a buffer zone at urinals and on couches.
ARTICLE 23: In a 6 person hot tub, there should be a maximum of 3 Bro’s.
ARTICLE 24: A Bro should not sing and dance at the same time.
ARTICLE 25: A Bro will, in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight.
ARTICLE 26: A Bro should not watch Oxygen, Womens Entertainment, or Lifetime.
ARTICLE 27: Bro’s do not lie about their age.
ARTICLE 28: A Bro should not swing his arms when he is walking.
ARTICLE 29: A Bro should never carry a woman’s handbag
ARTICLE 30:No Bro should wear a speedo to the beach.
ARTICLE 31: If a Bro catches another Bro in plagiarism – albeit awesome plagiarism – a Bro shall be required to ask the Bro to cite his source.
ARTICLE 32: A Bro should never go tanning.
ARTICLE 33: No Bro should dye their hair.
ARTICLE 34: A Bro should never refer to an athlete as a “stud”.
ARTICLE 35: A Bro should never cry during a movie. In the event that said Bro does, he must under no circumstance admit it to anyone other than a girl he is trying to score with.
ARTICLE 36: Bros cannot make eye-contact during a Devil’s Threeway (2 dudes)
ARTICLE 37: If one Bro calls another Bro a douche then said naming must be confirmed by another Bro even if the third Bro is a chick. This naming only requires a “second” by any Bro and does not require a majority vote by all Bros involved.
ARTICLE 38: A Bro should not “pop” his collar.
ARTICLE 39: A Bro should not speak more than two languages.
ARTICLE 40: A Bro should never say “It’s to die for”.
ARTICLE 41: A Bro should not wear a scarf without a jacket or coat.
ARTICLE 42: A Bro should not wear an ascot.
ARTICLE 43: A Bro should never use the following terms: “fantabulous”, “ginormous” and “fierce”.
ARTICLE 44: A Bro should never wrap a towel around his head after leaving the shower.
ARTICLE 45: A Bro should never “sip” and alcoholic drink through a straw
ARTICLE 46: A Bro should never wear a blouse.
ARTICLE 47: If you are not living with a girl you should not have tampons in your bathroom.
ARTICLE 48: A Bro should never wear a sweater over his shoulders.
ARTICLE 49: A Bro should never rollerblade.
ARTICLE 50: The word cute should not be used other then describing a chick they want to bone
ARTICLE 51: If you compliment a Bro on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
ARTICLE 52: A Bro should never, ever wear capri pants.
ARTICLE 53: A Bro should not wear flip flops with a suit.
ARTICLE 54: Love thy neigh-bro
ARTICLE 55: The bro with the better paying job is required to buy the first round. If the other bro is temporarily out of money or left his wallet at home drinks can be lended yet in the long run these drinks must be repaid, later that night by wingman services or any other act of entertainment or at the next gathering.
ARTICLE 56: A Bro will, whenever possible, provide his Bro with protection
ARTICLE 57: A Bro shall never reveal the score of a sporting event to another Bro until that Bro has thrice confirmed it’s cool.
ARTICLE 58: A Bro may not speculate on the expected Bro / chick ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.
ARTICLE 59: If a Bro, for whatever reason, becomes aware of another Bro’s girlfriend’s birthday and / or anniversary date, he shall endeavor to make that information available to his Bro, regardless whether he thinks his Bro already knows
ARTICLE 60: One Bro makes a solo chick attack A second Bro provides a crutch A third Bro rounds out the pack But a fourth Bro is one too much
ARTICLE 61: Should a Bro be near to closing with a girl, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome, up to and including the seduction of said girl’s wildly unattractive cousin / friend / mother.
ARTICLE 62: A Bro shall honor his father and mother.
ARTICLE 63: In the event that two Bros acquire the same target, the Bro with the longer dry spell has dibs. Should the dry spells be of equal length, a game of discreet roshambo shall determine the outcome.
ARTICLE 64: In a scenario in which two or more Bros are engaged in entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity, including but not limited to; the high five, the fist bump, or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.
ARTICLE 65: A Bro much provide his bro with a ticket to an event if said event involves the second Bro’s favorite sports team in a playoff scenario
ARTICLE 66: A Bro must always reciprocate a round of drink(s) among Bros with the proviso that no existing wager supersedes this purchase and exchange of spirits.
ARTICLE 67:If a Bro suffers pain due to a permanent dissolution of a relationship with a lady friend, a Bro shall offer nothing more than a “that sucks, man” and copious quantities of beer. A Bro will also refrain from pejorative commentary – deserved or not – regarding said lady friend for a period of three months, when the BACKSLIDE WINDOW has closed.
ARTICLE 68: Should a Bro be near to closing with a girl, his Bro shall do anything within his means to ensure the desired outcome, up to and including the seduction of said girl’s wildly unattractive cousin/friend/mother.
ARTICLE 69: If a Bro is on a hot streak, another Bro will do everything possibly to ensure its longevity, even if that includes jeopardizing his own records, the missing of work, or temporarily immigrating to a foreign country.
ARTICLE 70: No Bro should make a kissing face in a photo.
ARTICLE 71: No Bro should wear girl jeans
ARTICLE 72: No Bro should ever get a pedicure
ARTICLE 73: A Bro should never highlight his hair.
ARTICLE 74: A Bro should not talk to another Bro in the bathroom.
ARTICLE 75: A Bro should never sing show tunes.
ARTICLE 76: A Bro should never eat out of another man’s hands.
ARTICLE 77: A Bro never cries
ARTICLE 78: A Bro should not have “an outfit”, with the exception of a suit.
ARTICLE 79: Two Bro’s should not share an umbrella.
ARTICLE 80: When in a slap bet thy bro must always obey the rules of the slap bet. If caught cheating in a slap bet the selected slap bet coordinator must rule the consequences of how many more slaps must be given to thy cheater
ARTICLE 81: A Bro should not wear a white belt.
ARTICLE 82: A Bro should never wiggle out of a pair of pants.
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ARTICLE 87: A Bro shall at all times say ‘Yes’
ARTICLE 88: When one bro engages a fellow bro in a political debate, said debate shall remain civil and in good spirits. Should said debate become an argument, the bro who initiated the “argument” shall slap himself and then down two Miller Chills. This bro will then, in the proceeding Gubernatorial, Congressional, or Presidential election, vote for the candidate of his fellow Bro’s choosing
ARTICLE 89: A Bro may never pursue the mom of another Bro. Be it here resolved that at no point is it permissible for one Bro to engage in carnal delicacies with another Bro’s mother. It is, however, allowed and encouraged for one Bro to graphically suggest to a Bro the athletic feats, animalia, and/or machinery utilized during a fictional encounter with his mom. Should a Bro discover his Bro is in fact adopted, he is free to pursue his Bro’s adoptive mother, but only after first corroborating non-biological parentage through notarized birth certificates, hospital records, or comparative deoxyribonucleic acid gel electrophoresis, whichever is easiest. Since the adopted Bro cannot legitimately claim to have shared a canal with his Bro. ARTICLE 89 expressly prohibits the adopted Bro from invoking the Sloppy Second clause in any related filings with the International Court of Bros. Though the mom of a Bro is always off limits, the step-mom of a Bro is allowed if she initiates it and/or is wearing at least one article of leopard print clothing. If she looks good in it.
